I’m playing at the park and it’s cold and windy.

Mommy: Dexy, do you need a nose wipe?

Me: No.

Mommy: I think you do. You’ve got a boogie in your nose.

Me: NOOOOOOO! KEEP IT IN THERE!

Mommy: Are you said to leave California? I’m a little bit sad.

Me: Mommy’s sad. And I’m pooping.

“The Negotiator” – A short film by Dexter Ludwig

INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

Dexter sits at the kitchen table with a bowl of yogurt in front of him. His mother sits across from him.

MOMMY
Dexy, I want you to feed yourself 3 scoops.

DEXTER
No feed self!

MOMMY
You’re three years old now. You can feed yourself. Just do 3 scoops.

DEXTER
Mommy do 5 scoops. Dexy do 1 scoop.

MOMMY
No, Dexy do 3 scoops.

Dexter pauses to think for a moment.

DEXTER
Still pooping.

THE END.

Mommy: Dexy, what are your favorite foods?

Me: Yogurt, strawberries…and poop! (Laughs hysterically.)

Me: One…three.

Mommy: Where’d two go?

Me: Two wash dishes. Two put Daddy to bed.

It’s 12:52am. I wake up briefly.

Me: Finish yogurt! Finish yogurt! Finish yogurt right now!

Then I fall asleep again.

I’ve been sick for the last couple of days and am not in the mood to have my picture taken. So here are some of the gems I’ve been saying at Mommy and Daddy during this time:

“Noooooooo!!! No purple grapes! Green grapes!”

“No leftover oatmeal! New oatmeal!”
Then Mommy makes me new oatmeal and I don’t eat that, either.

Daddy comes home after a long, hard day at work and comes into my bedroom to see how I’m doing.
“Bye, Daddy. Daddy go living room.”

“Mommy sing Wheels Bus [Wheels on the Bus].”
I say this one about 5,000 times a day.

“Mommy sit right here.” [So we can play with cars for the next 12 hours].

It’s 6am and I walk into the living room.

Me: Good morning, cars!

While in the living room, hearing the clinking of a spoon against a glass in the kitchen.

Me: Chocolate milk? Chocolate milk!!!