Me: For my next birthday, I want a cannon that shoots out a person.

I am trying to eat a Fig Bar (Fig Newton-like snack) and am getting crumbs all over my clothes.

Me: Oh no! I’m getting gluten everywhere!

I am having a feeding session with my therapist, Miss Christine.

We are working on a gargling exercise. She gargles to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”

She wants me to try and asks what song I like.

I think for a few seconds.

Me: (singing) Kids of today should defend themselves against the 70’s.

It’s not reality.

Just someone else’s sentimentality.

Kids! The 70’s!

Kids! The 70’s!

Miss Christine just stares at me for a while before laughing.

In case you’re interested in the original…

Instead of going to bed, I am reminiscing about all of the amazing Lego creations I made earlier in the day.

Me: I will build Legos until I’m 1053 trillion 1053 quadrillion 1053 years old.

Mommy is trying to get me to bed, but I have important things on my mind.

Me: How many zeroes are in a quadrillion?

(Long pause.)

Mommy: Mmm…I think there are 12.

Me: No!!! That’s a trillion.

Mommy is thinking really, really hard.

Mommy: Huh, yeah, you’re right.

I am playing LEGOs with Daddy.

Daddy: Why don’t we make a platform for your Minifig to stand on so your helicopter can rescue him. I’ll start building the platform.

Me: Maybe I should make the platform. It’s a bit challenging.

Mommy and I are discussing our trip to the east coast this summer.

Me: I’m not sure, but I think a private jet would be best.

I am typing words on Mommy’s phone.

Me: Mommy, what does this say?

Mommy: That says “Asdfghjjnmm.”

Me: That means “United Airlines” in French.

I’m kind of obsessed with airlines and know all of the logos that are painted on the tails. I frequently tell stories about airplanes I’ve ridden on and come up with my own logos for these fictional airlines. Here are some of them:

• Man falling off the earth
• Guy throwing another guy into a sink and leaving him there forever
• Teacup
• Doggie walking a Mommy, and the dog has hands and talks
• Someone spilling wine
• A mommy squirting a tomato in her eye

Mommy, Daddy, and I are sitting at the dinner table.

Me: What’s in bread?

Mommy: Well, it’s made of flour, yeast…

Me: Yeast??! That’s in beer!!