I like to leave Mommy voicemails so she can find them later.

“Hi, so… Hi, Mommy. I love hugs. Monday through Friday, Daddy goes on his computer and gets injured. Everyday, Daddy talks about his foot. His foot is really hurt. Hunger went to jail one time and spilled milk all over. I like to record so Mommy can listen to it after we’re all done.”

Here are some of the hit songs on the radio in Mommies right now:

1. “Rotating Monkey” by Harvey Metter & The Stripes
2. “I Don’t GoLytely” by Nia Metter & The Portlands
3. “Lunch Landen” by Landen & The Landens

Here are more things about my imaginary world of Mommies:

1. Hugs has a doll named Indianapolis.
2. Violet, one of Hugs’ mommies, steals bikes for a living.
3. The Love Islands are a series of islands off the coast of Mommies. They include: Love Island, Diarrhea Island, and Cholera Island. (Cholera Island might not sound like a nice place to live, but the houses are cute and free, so…)
4. Mommies has an amusement park called Huggy Poo. Rides include: Hug-a-Coaster, Comfy Swings, Ulcer, Scary Space Explorer, Huggy Poo Spin Wheel, and Scary Adventures of Cute Things.
5. I used to play goat milk for the Diarrhea Perspectives, but never for the Hawaii Camera Flash Freak Outs.

Me: Mommy, I want your phone. I want to look at pictures of stomach ulcers.

We are at one of those conveyer belt sushi restaurants. 

Me: I’m going to pretend we’re waiting for our luggage! I found my luggage!

I take a plate of California rolls and have a little taste.

Me: I’m going to find some new luggage that’s yummier, like grapes.

Mommy is trying to put me to bed, but I’m having a hard time sleeping.

It is 9:15 pm.

Me: I’m starting to get sleepy. I’ll be asleep soon.

It is 9:30pm.

Me: I’m falling asleep.

A pause.

Me: I’m asleep.

A pause.

Me: I’m dreaming of stripes.

It’s the morning and we’re about to have breakfast.

Daddy: Dex, do you know where the coffee scooper is? I couldn’t find it last night.

Me: Yeah, I put it in the freezer.

A little bit later…

Daddy: Sharon, I can’t find Chubs’ medicine.

Me: That’s because I put it in the spice drawer!

Some of the latest additions to my imaginary world of Mommies include:

• Kenji Ave.
• I Don’t Like The Smell Of My Glasses Rd.
• Diarrhea City

I am at Doernbecher Children’s Hospital and my nephrologist comes into the exam room.

Doctor: Hi Dexter. How are you doing?

Me: What’s your name?

Doctor: I’m Dr. Rozansky.

Me: Dr. Rozansky, how does my bloodwork look?

Doctor: Dexter, no kid has ever asked me how their bloodwork looks.

Mommy, Daddy, and I are having dinner at the table.

Me: Sometimes I like to pretend I’m a muffin. (Pause.) Does Mommy do that? (Pause.) Does Daddy do that?